Rock Wit U (Awww Baby)

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The conditions of it hit me by surprise; it looked much worse in real life than compared to the what our group leader had told us. Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreign concept that people hear about on the news or see in documentaries. But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. And for the brief ten days I was there, it would be mine too.

As all of this realization came at once, I felt overwhelmed by the weight of what was to come. Would I be able to live in the same conditions as these people? Would I catch a disease that no longer existed in the first world, or maybe die from drinking contaminated water? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate ahead of themselves. It was at that moment that I saw how selfish I had been.

How many people suffered like this in the world, while I went about life concerned about nothing at all? Thinking back on the trip, maybe I made a difference, maybe not. I gained the desire to make the world a better place for others. It was in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized that there was more to life than just being alive. Let's first point out what this draft has going for it. This is an essay that tries to explain a shift in perspective.

There are different ways to structure this overarching idea, but a chronological approach that starts with an earlier opinion, describes a mind changing event, and ends with the transformed point of view is an easy and clear way to lay this potentially complex subject out. Now let's see what needs to be changed in order for this essay to pass muster. It just makes this author sound dismissive of a huge swath of the population. Calling others "less fortunate" when you're a senior in high school has a dehumanizing quality to it. These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate in front of themselves.

In the next draft, a better hook could be making the essay about the many different kinds of shifting perspectives the author encountered on that trip. There are any number of details to include here when doing another drafting pass. Were they workers or farmers so their clothes showing marks of labor? Traditional clothes they would put on for special occasions? The rewrite should either make this section more specific and less reliant on cliches, or should discard it altogether.

Without a framing device explaining that this initial panic was an overreaction, this section just makes the author sound whiny, entitled, melodramatic, and immature. Just how much mortality is typically associated with these very standard college-application-boosting service trips? In a rewrite, I would suggest including more perspective on the author's outsized and overprivileged response here. This would fit well with a new focus on the different points of view on this village the author encountered. Is it really believable that this is what the author learned?

There is maybe some evidence to suggest that the author was shaken somewhat out of a comfortable, materialistic existence. This conclusion is rather vague, and seems mostly a non sequitur. In a rewrite, the essay should be completely reoriented to discuss how differently others see us than we see ourselves, pivoting on the experience of being pitied by someone who you thought was pitiable.

Want to read some excellent college essays now that you've seen some examples of flawed one? Take a look through our roundup of college essay examples published by colleges and then get help with brainstorming your perfect college essay topic. Need some guidance on other parts of the application process? Check out our detailed, step-by-step guide to college applications for advice. Read about our famous test prep guides for hints and strategies for a better score.

We've written a guide for each test about the top 5 strategies you must be using to have a shot at improving your score. Download it for free now: Anna scored in the 99th percentile on her SATs in high school, and went on to major in English at Princeton and to get her doctorate in English Literature at Columbia. She is passionate about improving student access to higher education. The first document is an overview of important information from the unit. The second document is a quick overview of how to write a good essay for the text in this distinctly visual unit.

He was captain of the varsity track and field, cross country, and wrestling teams, and a leader for the Fellowship of Christian Athletes.

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He served as president of the National Honor Society and 4-H club. Through ASB, he planned and led a number of fundraising efforts with a local nonprofit partner. She has served as president and secretary of her class, secretary of Health Occupations Students of America, and state secretary for Business Professionals of America. Lakelynn splits her time between sports and the arts: She is president of speech and drama, president of One Act, a member of the choir, editor of the yearbook club and chief photographer.

She was also an award-winning captain of the varsity basketball and slow- and fast-pitch softball teams and a member of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Following the lead of her faith and her family, with whom she is very close, she has volunteered for numerous local causes and participated in domestic missions experiences. He is passionate about his faith and volunteers for his church, among other organizations.

Most notably, Taylr has fallen in love with parliamentary procedure. As a leader for Future Business Leaders of America, Taylr ran for and was appointed national parliamentarian, defeating nearly 1, candidates. From Burlington, Kan. Betty has been deeply influenced by her trips to Honduras to teach elementary students math and science over the last four years. Moved to contribute to a Honduran girl she met who had just lost her father, but lacking the resources to do so, Betty started a charitable online vintage clothing store.

A pianist and painter, Betty also has been active in speech and debate, Phi Theta Kappa, and her church. From Kalamazoo, Mich. President of the student government, Abel formed a race and equity committee to tackle issues of inequality and injustice. As a student writer with the Seattle Times Education Lab, he penned an article highlighting the importance of collaborating with nonprofit organizations in education reform. Working with Youth Speaks Seattle and founding Dauntless Poets, Abel helped create a space for youths to use art and spoken word poetry to fight oppression in the community.

From Seattle, Wash. He was an officer with Junior Statesmen of America, a national qualifier for speech and debate, and captain of the varsity tennis team. Micheal is from Houston, Texas and plans to attend Stanford University this fall. Kylee has blossomed in leadership opportunities in her small community of Jet, Oklahoma. She has served as an award-winning club president for 4-H, team captain for livestock judging, an award-winning speaker for Oklahoma Soil Convention, team captain for the Alfalfa Co.

She has served these interests further in the areas of art, drama, and social media. Among her many volunteer endeavors, Kylee founded Hats of Happiness, which makes crochet and knit hats and donates them to hospitals for new babies and cancer patients. Under her leadership, the organization has donated nearly hats and has expanded to a retail sales model where hats are sold and proceeds fund the nonprofit.

Her advisor notes that a mark of a good leader is being able to handle challenges, which Kylee has tackled facing health catastrophes in her family. These experiences prompted her to pursue a career in health care following college at Northwestern Oklahoma State University.

Last summer, she was a cancer research intern and has earned certifications for clinical medical assistant and FEMA disaster response. Active in track and field and National Spanish Honor Society, has consistently had part-time jobs while managing to be ranked seventh in a class of As an officer with the Optimist Club, Andrew started a soldier care package program at his school, which involved soliciting volunteers and donations that yielded care packages assembled at a large event.

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He has served as student liaison for the Parent Teacher Student Association, a member of the Class of Executive Board, and a lead volunteer for the local library. Andrew is from Clarkston, Mich. Taylor has blossomed as a leader and an individual through 4-H. During her time with the organization, Taylor has assumed numerous leadership positions: vice president, president, chair of the planning committee, member of the membership and education committee, team recruitment leader for many projects, as well as roles at the county and state level.

This honor roll student is also a member of the Spanish club and varsity cheerleading squad. She is an advocate and speaker for numerous 4-H events and programs, including leading anti-bullying plays in New York City and Washington, D. From Aberdeen, Miss. Despite attending more than ten schools over the course of eight international moves for her military family, Eve turned to volunteerism to improve each of the communities in which she lived.

Her service efforts ranged from tutoring and a STEM recycling project she created to sponsoring supply numerous drives and serving as president of a Box Tops collection program. She has participated in programs through the University of South Florida and Florida State University, and has led many research efforts. She has a global mindset and was lauded for her ability to bring out the best in people with whom she works. Eve is from Tampa, Fla. In addition to maintaining exceptional grades, Hannah has served as varsity captain for cross country and track, vice president of 4-H, and a leader in the Girl Scouts.

Through her deep involvement in Future Farmers of America, Hannah discovered the intersection of her agricultural roots and her passion for combating hunger. After writing a research paper that she presented at the Iowa Youth Institute and later the Global Youth Institute, she received an internship opportunity with the International Livestock Research Institute in Ethiopia. This experience shaped her future career goals and the way Hannah leads and serves in her own community. She has extended her desire to address food insecurity at home by starting a backpack meals program.

Competing at the varsity level since freshman year and later team captain, Brandon led his team, organized a tournament for middle school students, and earned first place in state and tri-state competitions. Beyond science, Brandon has competed through Business Professionals of America, was captain of the state champion table tennis team, was a varsity member of the tennis team, and was concertmaster for the chamber orchestra. Brandon also has been a dedicated volunteer at a local hospital and has supported his extended family by working and helping relatives emigrate to and assimilate in the United States.

From Plymouth, Minn.

Rock Wit U (Awww Baby) (Remix)

Julie has dabbled in a number of activities, including National Art Honor Society, Environmental Club, and journalism. She was a class officer and an award-winning science fair competitor. But Julie feels best when she is helping others, and she is aware of the impact she is capable of right in her own community. At age 14, she began volunteering for the Louisville Zoo as a summer camp counselor, and has since added roles at a healthcare organization, a nursing home, a food drive program, and more.

Most notably, Julie was selected to intern at the James Graham Brown Cancer Center and dove into researching cervical cancer. Valedictorian of her class, Julie is from Louisville, Ky. He was captain of the football and basketball teams, and has served numerous hours in volunteer roles, including as a caretaker for his grandmother. An entrepreneur, Tyler turned a lawn mowing business into a landscaping enterprise, with more equipment and five part-time employees. Governor for Model General Assembly, he worked with state officials to encourage young people to become more involved in legislative efforts.

Chris was also the student chairman for Project Faith, the largest community service effort in his area, which brings together hundreds of volunteers to contribute extensive repairs throughout the community. From Roanoke, Va. Discouraged by escalating local problems, Brandon took action. From this, Brandon founded Community Excellence Through Sports to use athletics as a platform for local unity and pride.

As captain of the varsity soccer team himself, he led the team to three consecutive state playoffs, a school record. On the technology side, he founded his second nonprofit, Community Advancement Technology Initiative, which developed an app to use cell phones as weather sensors to improve weather prediction accuracy for the farm economy. In addition, the organization developed a reward-based app that incentivized positive youth-police engagements.

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From Longmont, Colo. In addition to numerous service activities, Hamp was employed as lead science instructor for the Boys and Girls Club. In this role, he planned and executed experiments and hands-on activities for his students. He has also worked for a radio station and a local farm. From Summerville, Ga. Valerie is guided by her beliefs, which she turned into action and impact. As a result of her belief in increasing accessibility to music education, she founded Public Schools Music Initiative, which runs a weekly music tutoring program.

Passionate about empowering victims of sexual assault, Valerie co-developed an app that equips users with security tools and advocates for improvements in the legal justice system. Through this work, she was selected for a Stanford University initiative that diversifies the computer science community, and has been a nationally recognized speaker.

Valerie is from Bellevue, Wash. An award-winning international concert pianist, Elizabeth uses her amazing gift talent to give back.

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Realizing that musicians, unlike athletes, did not have communities in which they could support one another, she created a statewide network called California Young Musicians. Beyond music, Elizabeth was vice president of the math Olympiad club and founder of the American Chemical Society club. From Irvine, Calif. Training at the university is just the first step on the way to professional self-realization.

Students have to make considerable efforts to meet the deadlines and perform all kinds of academic works qualitatively.


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