The Girl Widow Unveiled: Unraveling Dark Secrets in an American Family

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This has brought me to the new discovery in my exploration that I want to share with you today. It is about the connection between the Main Square and the core, implicit message we carry into our relationships. Let me describe both couples so that you get a sense of the facts of how they fall on both sides of this bell curve. One couple who arrived is a young couple in their early 30s, pregnant with their first baby, and deeply in love. They received the Intensive session as a gift from their parents.

He had never been in therapy, never thought of therapy, never wanted therapy, and he was even ambivalent about the whole thing. The other couple is a middle-aged couple. He, married twice before, two children, and two traumatic divorces before this marriage. She, married once before with four children. After a soaring romantic phase, the relationship between them became embittered, until they actually divorced each other, then came back to each other, left each other again with her taking the four children and leaving for another country, and him following her there.

When they are coming to me, they are still legally divorced. They have had eight therapists, and they have been fired by two of them. So you can see that on one side of the bell curve is a young couple who normally would not land in a two-day Intensive session to do deep work on their relationship. It is as if the child has been waiting all this time for someone to show up, just exactly there where they have been alone, sad, frightened, hopeless, helpless, and someone finally shows up there to be with this child.

I realized that these five random pictures are attached to the Main Square, and have been attached to the Main Square forever. But when that Main Square statement cannot be spoken, we cannot understand our history. And once it becomes explicit memory, it is integrated into our narrative. And as we take responsibility for those steps, we then can really become the authors of the book of our lives.

I will take them one step at a time. And then I will illustrate the structure with the live example of the couples that I saw. I start the journey by giving them a map.


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Then I draw a few streets. Then I show them a turning point. Today take that street. That will be a turning point. And from that new street, another new street will come, and another new street, until you will arrive at what I call the Main Square. And here it is today. My deep belief that all of us are born knowing that there is a deep purpose to our lives. It gives you messages about others, and about yourself that actually are there inside of you, and you have not explored them.

Yet they may have an incredible impact on you and your life and your relationship. And we are going to go in there in a very special way. My first step is actually showing them the map. That was your Main Square. This is your new neighborhood. Having that map also allows me then later to review with the couple the journey, the territory that we traveled with this map. When I finish describing the map, I ask the couple to write in their journals the name of the toughest neighborhood for them in the relationship.

It should be one word, two words maximum. I then check in with them. I purposely say the names many times, in a neutral tone, because these neighborhoods are fraught with pain.


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  • A relationship is an adventure to be lived. When the choice is made, I let the couple know that this might be a good time for a pee break. And the reason is that I tell them this could be a long journey, and I want all of us to not be focused on our bladders. So I do take a pee break at the time. But this is the time actually to prepare ourselves. Then the choice has been made, and we know who the Host is. Go back to where you were.

    Enter it again. It is in a way the most important first structural event. You have many, many, many, many neighborhoods. Go there. Now the sentence—there are many, many, many neighborhoods in your world. It really is like Velcro. It really wants our attention. This is just one of them. Now that body scan time, just feeling the sensations connected to be being in that neighborhood, is a very important piece of the journey because our experiences sit in our body. And the more aware we are of where they sit in our body, the more we then can verbalize, and arrive at the main square.

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    The Girl Widow Unveiled: Unraveling Dark Secrets in an American Family by David Haward Bain

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