Gracious Space: A Practical Guide to Working Better Together

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Holley Kelley's honest voice reached out to me in every chapter of this informative and inspiring book about preparing for the end of life's journey. Birch, Ph. Her fresh perspective has produced a one-of-a-kind book that provides plenty of practical advice while also encouraging us to document our legacy and ensure our desires are heard and fulfilled. I will advise all of my clients and friends to get a copy of this book and use it throughout the years. You, and the people you love, will be glad you did!

Holley is the real deal. She is flexible, dedicated to making this book the best it can possibly can be, and is tireless in its production. I can hardly wait until the book is actually in print so I can gather a few of my friends together, start a group, and work the process together. I anticipate not only a very supportive, meaningful connection but one that will make it FUN and act as a cure for any tendencies to procrastinate.

Who knows?! As a former therapist, I may end up leading several groups! This book definitely has the makings for a profound and practical outcome. I can't think of a better gift to leave my loved ones than the completion of this book and all of its suggestions.

Reed Publishers. Whether we are aware of it or not, we create our legacies by the way we live and what we do each day of our lives. Sunrises and Sunsets is a great tool for those who choose to plan for their Final Sunset, as well as articulate their legacies with and on purpose. This do-it-yourself guide book is a must for all who want to leave a clear picture of who they are, as well as what they want, for those they care about and for generations to follow.

Buddy Thomas, Jr. As a pastor I see up close the anxiety, the grief, and the loss that often accompanies our final days on earth. Yet sometimes I get to see something else: a life that has intentionally created a gracious space to die well. This book is a workbook--a way of collecting and assembling important information, and providing a way of having the kind of conversation where our deepest hopes are expressed and our greatest longings shared. This workbook belongs in the hands of the young and the old.

In short, all of us who want to live well.

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This book is just one of those things. We all know that we will have to plan for the end of our lives, and this is the first and only comprehensive guide I have found to help with that important planning. This is a must-have item to take stock of your own life at any age and help not only yourself but those you must inevitably leave behind. Sunrises and Sunsets will be an indispensable tool in my gerontology professional toolbox and in my own personal life.

So many people fail to prepare for their final sunset! Sunrises and Sunsets will help anyone overcome that obstacle! Holley's informative work sheets are easy to follow and this book is an enjoyable process from beginning to end! We have completed many of the suggestions in this book, and the ones overlooked are now underway! We will undoubtedly be recommending this book to all of our friends and relatives!

Thank you for informing us of this unique and wonderful book so we can share it with others! In my own experience, I have outlived my father by 20 years and my mother by a decade. As a group we do see the end of life as part of a life. Yet, many times we are no more prepared for this inevitability than our parents were. It is not that we mind so much thinking about moving on as it is that we don't really know how to think about it.

Holley Kelley has provided us with an amazing guidebook that is both sensible and senstive to help us with our departure and journey, easing the anxiety and fear with simplicity and demystification. AGE Dynamically! Applied Gerontology Professor, Psychology Brenau University, Gainesville, GA "Through her narrative discussions, checklists, and practical approach, Holley Kelley helps us navigate end-of-life issues in a way that simply works!

When my mother was diagnosed with Cancer and given only a couple of months to live, I gave her this book. I feel it actually kept her alive longer. Flourishing Enterprise. Chris Laszlo. Entrepreneurship: Economics Powered By Imagination. Gary Stewart. Changing Teacher Professionalism. Sharon Gewirtz. Lessons in Sustainable Happiness. Catherine O'Brien. Why Students Underachieve. Regalena Melrose. Seven Steps to Effective Instructional Leadership. Elaine K.

Building an Intentional School Culture. Charles F. Curriculum Leadership by Middle Leaders. Mary Anne Heng. School Improvement. Alma Harris. Big Bang Being. Isabel Rimanoczy. What's Next, Gen X? Tamara J. The Learning Power Approach. Guy Claxton. Personal Leadership: Excellence in goal setting, Personal transformation, Entrepreneurial mindset and redefined purpose.

Charles Silva. Good Enough Now. Jessica Pettitt. Rethinking Educational Leadership. Professor John West-Burnham.

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Scott Norton. The Charismatic Leader. Dale L. Transformational Leadership. Michael Lang. Citadel Values II. Robert E. Freer Jr. Type R. Ama Marston. Positive Academic Leadership. Jeffrey L. Knowledge and the Future School. Carolyn Roberts. Naked in the Public Eye. Oliver Robinson. Crises Of Identifying. Dymaneke D. The Moral Advantage. William Damon. Social Context Reform. Paul Thomas. Courageous Collaboration with Gracious Space. Karma Ruder. The guest explains that, yes, he has married since college, to a Mormon woman, and has converted.

The wife describes it this way: "Ever the nice guy, [the guest] handled it with grace and wit, letting [my husband] off gently. Be proactive. Before houseguests arrive, ask if they have any special dietary restrictions or other needs. Also, share any household traditions or practices you have that may affect them.

Pay attention. When we miss or ignore social cues and clues, we can stumble into awkward moments. Pay attention to subtleties of communication, a hesitancy from a guest before beginning a meal might indicate a need for a moment of silent prayer, for example. Focus on behavior, not beliefs. If you feel the need to ask questions, center it on behavior rather than beliefs. Have you stopped? Accept information at face value. If someone declines one thing, offer another without judgment or inference.

Aim to please, not judge. Take responsibility.

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If you do stumble, don't let someone else's graciousness take you off the hook. Make amends as quickly and sincerely as possible: "What an insensitive thing for me to say. I'm sorry. A New York couple meet their new neighbor shortly after he moves in. The new neighbor opens the conversation with, "You're probably relieved that no one black moved in.

An Oregon man's neighbor informs him he has finally sold his house - describing, in a disapproving voice, the buyer as "a Chinese or Japanese woman married to a white man. A South Carolina couple in an all-white neighborhood sell their home to an African American family. A neighbor confronts them angrily and asks why they sold the house to black people. Assert neighborly values. Around here, we welcome all kinds of people. And we all look out for each other. Appeal to basic humanity.

When confronted with a bigoted, "Why did you sell your house to those people? They want to buy our house, they can buy our house. Appeal to allies or the neighborhood association. If you're the target of bigoted conduct and fear for your well-being or safety, let sympathetic neighbors know; ask them to keep an eye and ear out for you. Or contact the neighborhood association, which may have policies in place to assist you. Model neighborly behavior. Extend a hearty welcome to new neighbors, and honor old neighbors. Help to create a neighborhood that values connectedness, rather than exclusion and bias.

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Lesbians and gays, Muslims, Catholics, Jews, people with disabilities, Republicans, Democrats, people of all races and ethnicities, blondes and people who are overweight: The targets of such "joke" e-mails are innumerable. Forward no more. Stop e-mailed bigotry at your computer. Don't forward it; instead, delete it. A simple deletion isn't the same as speaking up, of course — it does nothing to bring attention to the offense — but it's a solid first step in breaking the chain.

Reply to sender. Explain that the e-mail offended you and ask to be removed from any future e-mailings. Be sure to explain why — that you find bigoted language offensive, that so-called "jokes" are unfunny and that stereotypes are unfair, bigoted and harmful. Reply to all. Do the same thing, but hit "reply all," sharing your thoughts with everyone on the e-mail list.

Others then may follow your example. Imagine the powerful statement that would be made if all recipients responded in this way. I was hanging out with a mostly male beer-drinking crowd, and raunchy, sexist 'jokes' were one of the conversational norms. Not that it's right to tell those kind of 'jokes' anywhere, but I just got used to it in that crowd, and I guess I lost perspective of how inappropriate they were.

As an icebreaker, I tell one of those 'jokes,' a brutally sexist one that got big laughs from the boys earlier that week. And this huge silence follows. A nervous chuckle or two among the half-dozen dinner guests, but otherwise just a big, booming silence. I felt like an idiot and didn't even have the good sense to apologize, though I was at least smart enough to stop telling 'jokes. But it's almost 20 years later, and I still feel a sense of shame for the awful judgment and taste I showed.

Owning up to our own biased behavior among friends can be uncomfortable. Friends are among the people most likely to forgive missteps and help you move forward. Apologize immediately. Save yourself the guilt by apologizing in the moment: "I don't know what I was thinking. I could make some excuses, but none would make up for telling such a sexist, tasteless 'joke.

Write a letter. Candor can be difficult to muster in such moments. If words don't come at the gathering, try handwritten notes to the host and other guests afterward: "I went home from the dinner party feeling ashamed and embarrassed, too embarrassed even to say anything to anyone.

Gracious Space: A Practical Guide for Working Better Together - Center for Ethical Leadership

I'm sorry for the sexist, tasteless and totally inappropriate 'joke' I told. Please accept my humble, and belated, apologies. Offer to make amends. Our relationship is important to me. Learn the lesson. Don't do it again, even if you're back with a crowd that finds such "jokes" humorous. Choose jokes that are funny without being sexist, racist or otherwise offensive. The workplace is, for some, the only place they experience diversity. For those who live in segregated neighborhoods, attend segregated houses of worship or take part in segregated hobbies or activities, work becomes the only place they interact with people of varied and diverse backgrounds.

It often is, for these people, a testing ground. The workplace often offers built-in grievance procedures, tied to policies or laws, which can be used to respond to some forms of everyday bigotry. You need not file a lawsuit to have such a policy be effective; many roundtable participants spoke of invoking such policies when speaking up, saying the mere mention carries weight. Power, too, comes into play at the workplace. The dynamic of an employee speaking to a supervisor is very different than a supervisor speaking to an employee. Likewise, an executive's tacit acceptance of bigoted remarks can create an atmosphere where bias thrives — just as one powerfully placed comment from that executive can curb everyday bigotry in significant ways.

Who sets the tone at your office? And what leverage do you have with that person? If you lack leverage, who has it? And might that person be an ally? An African American businesswoman in the South writes: "I was speaking with a white co-worker when, midway through the conversation, she smiled and said, 'You speak so clearly. Have you had diction lessons? A manager writes: "One of my employees constantly makes 'jokes' about people being 'bipolar' or 'going postal' or being 'off their meds. How can I stop the bad behavior without revealing proprietary information?

One co-worker asks another if she wants to go out for lunch. An Italian American woman's co-worker makes daily comments about her heritage. Interrupt early. Workplace culture largely is determined by what is or isn't allowed to occur. If people are lax in responding to bigotry, then bigotry prevails. Speak up early and often in order to build a more inclusive environment. Use — or establish — policies. Call upon existing — too often forgotten or ignored — policies to address bigoted language or behavior.

Work with your personnel director or human resources department to create new policies and procedures, as needed. Also ask your company to provide anti-bias training. Go up the ladder. If behavior persists, take your complaints up the management ladder. Find allies in upper management, and call on them to help create and maintain an office environment free of bias and bigotry.

Band together. Like-minded colleagues also may form an alliance and then ask the colleague or supervisor to change his or her tone or behavior. A man mentions to a colleague that he is originally from West Virginia. The colleague laughs and says she knows some "jokes" about people from West Virginia. She laughs, perhaps thinking he's joking himself, and tells not one but three "jokes," each with an increasingly bigoted punch line. Don't laugh. Meet a bigoted "joke" with silence, and maybe a raised eyebrow. Use body language to communicate your distaste for bigoted "humor.

Interrupt the laughter. And don't hesitate to interrupt a "joke" with as many additional "no" messages as needed. Set a 'not in my workspace' rule. Prohibit bigotry in your cubicle, your office or whatever other boundaries define your workspace. Be firm, and get others to join in. Allies can be invaluable in helping to curb bigoted remarks and behavior at the workplace.

Provide alternate humor. Learn and share jokes that don't rely on bias, bigotry or stereotypes as the root of their humor. A female manager routinely is referred to as the "office mom. A female employee reports, "One of my male coworkers always comments on the physical appearance of our female colleagues. A male employee bakes cookies and brings them to the office. A female employee, arriving later, asks who brought them. She thanks the man, then asks, "Did your wife bake them? Be direct. Respond to the speaker in a way that makes sexist assumptions clear.

Identify the pattern. Tell your supervisor, "In our weekly manager meetings, I've noticed that people expect me to take notes. I'm wondering if we could rotate that responsibility, so it's evenly distributed between male and female managers. Start a brown-bag discussion group. If sexism is a persistent problem in your workplace, start an informal dialogue group to discuss the issue during your lunch breaks. Provide support for one another, and create an action plan.

Use incidents to teach tolerance. Advocate for staff training about sexism in the office; provide trainers with real-life examples from your office. Two co-workers, one of whom is deaf, are asked to meet with an executive from another firm. They go to the other man's office, and a sign-language interpreter accompanies them. The executive chooses to face the interpreter, speaking to him, not looking at or acknowledging the employee who is deaf. An African American woman, in a staff meeting about budget issues, hears a white co-worker suggest cost-cutting measures for landscaping: "Why don't we just get the Mexicans to do it?

A woman writes, "A good-hearted liberal co-worker makes comments at staff meetings like, 'All Republicans are stupid,' or, 'All Republicans are this,' or 'All Republicans are that. Short of saying, 'Some of my best friends are Republicans,' what can I do? Seize the moment. With the interpreter, the colleague said, "I hate to interrupt, but just as a matter of practice, you should look at the person you're talking to, not the interpreter. What are you saying about Mexicans?

Address the issue privately. Take the coworker aside and gently explain what you find offensive: "You know, you're giving Democrats a bad name when you make sweeping generalizations about Republicans. Check in with the meeting leader. If you are uncomfortable dealing with the speaker directly, consider speaking with the person who called the meeting.

Set expectations or ground rules prior to the next meeting. From an Arizona man: "I'm a Mexican American, and I worked for a time, a long time ago, in construction. One day the supervisor took me aside to deliver what he must have thought was a compliment. He told me, 'You're a good worker. You're not like the other Mexicans. But I wish I would have said something to him, set him straight that stuff like that isn't a compliment. A woman works at a company where a male co-worker comes in one day with a newly pierced ear. Their manager sees the earring and laughingly calls him a "faggot.

The boss has all the power, right? Try these response techniques:;. Focus on the company's people.

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  5. We come to work every day and give you our best. What you just said, does it really honor me and the other people here? Tie tolerance to the bottom line. Remind your supervisor that when people feel valued and respected, a healthy and productive work environment emerges. We don't know who's gay and who's straight, who has gay relatives and who doesn't.

    I think that comment could really upset some people — and distract them from their work. Consider your options, based on your supervisor's temperament and the office environment. If you're uncomfortable confronting the boss directly, consult your company's human resources department to find out what harassment policies are in place and whether they apply. A Southern white woman is an event coordinator working with an African American minister. They end up talking about a mutual acquaintance who is known to be persistent and driven.

    I was ashamed and bewildered and wanted to apologize. But before she can say anything, the minister, looking her in the eye, quickly replies, "Yes, he's a real taskmaster. Consider these approaches:. Be open to feedback. Ask clarifying questions, if need be. How have I offended you? Thank the person for pointing it out, and ask for continued feedback. Focus on the work relationship. Strive to reconnect and ensure that the moment doesn't sidetrack your ongoing ability to work together. Is there anything I should do, or that we should do, as a next step?

    I really want us to keep working well together. Change your behavior. Don't wait for someone to be offended by what you say. Listen closely to the phrases and terms you use; are some of them "acceptable" only because the targeted group is not present? Bigotry is bigotry no matter who hears it; strive to model respect and tolerance wherever you are. Like the workplace, school becomes the first or only place where some students, teachers, counselors, principals and others encounter a diverse and varied society.

    That presents opportunities for enlightenment — and potential for misunderstanding. Schools become a place to learn not just geometry and grammar but also community building and social interaction. As with the workplace, schools also often have policies or rules that govern interpersonal relationships; use them as tools in speaking up.

    Many schools also have resources, lesson plans and activities aimed at raising awareness about the damage done from bias and bigotry. Perhaps no setting offers more opportunities for learning. Make sure your school embraces an environment that encourages compassion, understanding and acceptance of difference. Consider creating campaigns against name calling or the casual bigotry that fills some school hallways.

    See appendix. Peer pressure also often is a strong motivator, in both positive and negative ways, at school. Allies are important; seek them out, and be an ally for others. One teacher says whenever she hears such language in the classroom, she asks, "What was homosexual about it? Teachers, too, can be the perpetrators, the ones who use the bigoted language, prompting students or other teachers to speak up.

    Determine the extent of the problem. As a social science or club activity, survey students about biased language at school: what they hear most often, who they hear it from, how it makes them feel and what they're willing to do about it. Implement a 'words hurt' campaign. Get students, teachers, counselors and administrators to sponsor an assembly, or a week long or year long education campaign, about the damaging effect of hurtful words. Support student mediators — and use peer pressure. Train students in conflict resolution techniques, and ask them to work with peers to marginalize the use of biased language.

    Teach tolerance. When slurs are exchanged in the classroom, interrupt whatever lesson is being taught, and start a new one on language, respect and cultural sensitivity. A central California woman writes: "I'm raising my grandson, who is 8; he calls me 'Mama. He tells me they make fun of him, asking why his 'mother' is so old. A man writes about an elementary school parent-teacher conference: "My wife and I both went, and the teacher leaned toward us and whispered, 'I can always tell the children in my class who have two parents at home.

    It made me wonder how the teacher treated my son's friend in class. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Work with individual speakers. When someone makes a comment that excludes or minimizes a type of family, point it out. Is that what you're saying? Ask the administration for specific changes. Instead of "Parents Night," ask administrators to consider using the more-inclusive "Family Night. Ask for help. If a child is being bullied, teased or harassed at school because of family differences, notify school administrators and seek assistance from school counselors.

    Advocate for resources and training. Lobby to have library resources and classroom curricula that include positive examples of non-traditional families, including grandparents as parents, single-parent households, adoptive families, foster families and families with gay or lesbian parents. Discuss the issue with the school principal or a guidance counselor, and ask for staff training on issues of family diversity.

    A senior in high school who is overweight says she has been the target of harassment and bigotry for years. And it's kept on right through high school. Kids can be really mean sometimes. It's not just adults. I don't understand how anyone can be that mean to someone else.