Why Does A Woman Need A Man? : A Womans Cry Against Domestic Violence
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Help for Men Who Are Being Abused
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Skip to main content Skip to navigation. Enter your keywords. Education Girls' Education Youth Empowerment. Economic Development Market Access Microfinance. The psychological reasons women stay are naturally less visible, making it hard for many to understand and sympathize with victims. Willoughby described the first stage women typically go through when she said she thought something must be wrong with her.
Her response? But he could be kind and sensitive. And so I stayed. I felt ashamed and trapped. Willoughby illustrates themes commonly found in our review : abusers switching from extreme kindness to being a monster; the victim feeling compassion when the abuser apologizes; the victim holding on to hope the abuser will change; and the abuser destroying the confidence of the victim. I walked away from that relationship a shell of the person I was when I went into it…I had to take an extended leave from graduate school because I was depressed and unable to complete the work. Are the obstacles to leaving different for women married to highly respected, prominent men — the star quarterback, the well-regarded army captain, the beloved minister?
Research is sparse on this topic. The closest are a review of case studies and a survey of those married to police officers.
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Both show that, in addition to the obstacles described earlier, these partners are often reluctant to report the abuse for two reasons. Strangers complimented him to me every time we went out. Fedders recently noted the parallels with Willoughby and Holderness. Responses by the public and professionals can make it more difficult for victims to leave. For example, in one study the public viewed an assault against an intimate partner as less serious than an assault against a stranger, even when the same level of force was used. And while public acceptance of domestic abuse has decreased over time , blaming victims for their abuse still exists and is tied to sexist views , such as the belief that discrimination against women is no longer a problem and men and women have equal opportunities.
Even professionals are not immune from such attitudes. What, what way would you say? Still having nightmares about it. Like I said they looked very similar, they bought their clothes from the same clothes shop. And I happened to see his picture the other day on social media and that was it. Just had nightmares for the next few nights.
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And that happens occasionally. Yes, yeah. Psychologically, my head is just a mush a lot of times. I mean, I can do the mum role because that, I do that with my eyes closed. And they are my world. So I can do the mum role. Sometimes not being able to shower, to eat, to sleep. Feeling numb. Knots in my stomach.
Being hypervigilant. Listening to doors going. I was taking medication, as in medication, I was taking co-codamol tablets but I was given those by my ex- at that point, he was supplying me with them and keeping me numb as well as the drink. I smoked weed as well. But that was him as well. The, you know, these are the things that kind of kept me in my place, kept me quite reserved. He just changed my life, just totally changed my life. My child, me eldest daughter had to leave and go and live somewhere else with her dad. And me youngest daughter got taken off me and put into foster care.
As a result of his behaviour? It was too late, they decided to intervene when it was far too late.
Just thinking back, so those few weeks when you were together, just thinking about that time specifically, what impact did that abuse have on you at that time, in that short-term? How did it affect you, who you were, what you were thinking, what you were doing? Broke my spirit. He was coming in and harassing my clients so I had to give my business up. I tried to commit suicide. It was a strain. No financial support because everything was in his name. Hmm strange it was. Yeah still have that. Yeah still. And when was that diagnosed? Yeah, still get treated for that. So lots of ongoing impacts as a result of Yeah.
What he did to you and to your family as well? So my house is all CCTV. What effect has it had on you really, as a person, on your life? Even now, after all these years, if I [deep breath] go on a date or things like that, I already feel like I have to be ten steps ahead. I feel, when I go to sleep, I have to sleep with all the doors open.
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I was suffering with a lot of panic attacks after this had happened. Have you had any medical help with panic attacks or? Was the counselling helpful at the time or? Yes, yeah it was, but I just wish it lasted longer. What about the stress course, was that helpful or?
Oh right yeah. Things like that. And when you started getting ill with the psoriasis and everything and you went to the doctor… Yeah. Was that helpful to tell your doctor what was going on or? Doctor sent me to see people about [size? So doctor gave me to that, to help me there. Was that helpful, talking to that person? I just feel like everything stuck in my head. Even I tell people, but still, not really go anywhere. And doctor said to me like they have no power to do anything like that anyway. So, but they have write some letter to the housing benefit like, you know, I need some help, I need some.
If still married you still can stay in that house. You need to go some, somewhere else, because this is make you crazy. Perhaps you could tell me a little bit about, you said there was abuse in that relationship, perhaps you could tell me a little bit about the nature of the abuse in that relationship? I used to get really angry. I used to throw things at him. And he used to, you know, he used to really gas-light me. I was terrified of being diagnosed with a mental illness. And I was absolutely terrified it would have happened to me. And when you were in a relationship with this person what would you say the nature of the abuse was?
Perhaps you can tell me about how it built up and how it developed and so on. And then in the end when he decided he wanted to go back to his ex-girlfriend he blamed the breakdown of the relationship on the fact that I well, he said I needed psychological help. So how did that all leave you feeling? Yup, yup, yup. I was not in a good place nine months ago.
He just talked to me like a animal. Just swearing every word he just say, he swear in everything. I only work and then got that money. So you separated for three months, but then you went back again? Yeah, because I find really hard. I had nowhere to live so I had to ask my boss in restaurant like to stay you know, really like garage or something they keep for staff, and then I just got bed in there.
So I need some of the benefit and then I will go, help to get somewhere to stay, just me and the kids. You can go. You think you know better. And really, really difficult that time, because I have to cope with work and cope with the kids and cope with somewhere to live. Yes, yes. So the three months you were just living by the restaurant? Then you had to go back really because Yeah, I had nowhere to go. Emotionally and psychologically I became very depressed, extremely depressed. I used to self-harm. I used to cut my arms with razors because I just had so much pain inside of me and it was the only, only thing I could do to release any of the pain.
And I ended up going to see the doctor and getting antidepressants. And that was just then another rod for him to beat me with to say that I was going mad as well. So that was the ever decreasing cycle going on there.