Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All!

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The best airlines for plus-sized passengers, pets, foodies, and more, according to Fodor's Travel. Cars More. The Hyundai Palisade offers affordable upscale for 8 passengers. Under the Hood: Erratic temperature gauge could indicate thermostat problem These car features could prevent your next crash Review: Just how good is the Mazda CX-5? Participants were recruited primarily via word-of-mouth and Facebook posts. Results are organized by the relative chronology of becoming a parent: experiences before conception to after birth.

How i feel about being the non-biological mother in a lesbian relationship! ( love your child!)

In this way, the hope is that the results will read as a collective birth story, offering three perspectives at once. Before deciding to conceive, both Natalie and Tamara had been in a relationship with their partners for four years and Kendra had been with her partner for two years. Coincidentally, all three couples were living in San Francisco at the time of this decision. For all three participants, the decision about which partner would become pregnant and carry the child was an easy one. All three cited never having wanted to experience pregnancy, but explained that it was important for their partners.

When choosing a donor, Kendra and her partner wanted a known donor, while Natalie and Tamara chose unknown donors.


  • Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All! by Harlyn Aizley.
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Each participant explained several important donor characteristics that went into this decision. As Kendra is a musician, finding a donor who was also a musician was very important to her. For Natalie and Tamara, family medical history and ethnicity were very important factors as well. I am not the biological mother, but I am biologically related to the children.

We joked a lot about that. Natalie and her partner got pregnant initially on the second try, but then had a miscarriage. Each participant spent the pregnancy preparing for the birth in several ways. Kendra and her partner interviewed several midwives, read a lot, and took a childbirth class. She also spent time talking to the midwife, other mothers, and her own mother about the process. Similarly, each participant commented on their relationship with their partner during the pregnancy:.

She was kinder, gentler, more patient.

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It softened her. It was obvious that she loved being pregnant. The most positive parts of her experience came from how she was feeling inside and out. Probably a mystery to herself as well, but to me it was kind of like watching an evolution of something magical. It was special. Natalie wrote at length of all of the preparations made in advance to help ensure a safe and healthy home birth.

It was very important that I was there…but labor is something that happens between a mother and herself. Participants were asked about their feelings at the moment of birth, a similarly intense experience for all three. Everything was super intense. I had a heightened sense of my surroundings and what was important. I tried to stay calm and to not let fear enter the room.

I wanted to be as strong mentally as my wife was being physically, in order to support her and the baby. I had this sixth sense that we were in good hands with the universe that day. All three participants reported falling immediately in love with their new babies. We worked seamlessly to do that. Tamara described the second night with the baby as being somewhat difficult, but did not elaborate.

Both Kendra and Natalie reported experiencing very little or no homophobia or discrimination during the process of becoming parents. We kept it in the family. When asked about each of their lives as parents, similar threads emerged.

Confessions of the Other Mother Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All - AbeBooks

I sometimes think it is funny, but I like it, because my hope is that she will look at herself in the mirror and see me too. Is it yours? Cause they think that a dyke like me could in no way be a mom. All in all, people are supportive, but can sometimes be a bit ignorant and say things or ask questions that seem a bit like over-stepping the level of what our relationship or friendship is…We have learned to just be open about it and kind of roll our eyes after a while.

Confessions of the other mother : nonbiological lesbian moms tell all

This sentiment was echoed in this study, primarily by Tamara, who discussed the many names for her role in her family: mimi, mom, dad, and friend. When lesbian, gay, and queer parents choose what we have come to think of as normative roles, it all depends on the intention and the individual positionality whether that act is subsersive or not. While other studies seek to explain qualities of lesbian families, this study has sought to make visible the lived experiences and memories of individuals in lesbian families without comparing these experiences to those of any other individual or group.

It is my hope that scholars of queer theory can recognize the mixture of transgressive and normative within these accounts, and that queer families — whatever their makeup — may find more solidarity with one another in coming years. Aizley, H. Confessions of the other mother: Non-biological lesbian moms tell all.