Beloved Strangers (He Cheated! The Survival Story of an Ex Wife)
Best to you…stay strong. Value your life and safety you are worth it. Ngoc, Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. I can understand why you would be disappointed at not being able to achieve your goal of going to school here. The internet may not always be the safest way to talk about these things, so when you get a safe chance, I would encourage you to call and talk with someone here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. We are a safe, anonymous and confidential hotline, who talks to people dealing with abuse in their relationships.
An advocate on the Hotline could talk to you in more depth about abuse, and maybe also about a couple of options for getting some support. M, Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice blog. It takes a lot of courage to talk about abuse like this and to reach out for help.
It does not matter if he is not putting his hands on you, he is still doing really scary, aggressive things that make you feel unsafe. There is a lot of manipulation and blaming going on as well. One really common threat that we hear abusers make is to harm themselves if you ever try to leave. I also wanted to you know that no matter what mental health diagnosis he has, he never has the right to treat you, or your son, like this. His bipolar behavior may exacerbate the abuse, but it does not excuse it.
There are plenty of people out there who are bipolar, yet whom do not chose to abuse their partner. We are anonymous and confidential, and are a safe place to talk about it.
Kendra, Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your voice blog community. Abuse is about having power and control, and there are many abusive behaviors your boyfriend uses to maintain that control. He is chosing to treat you this way. That must be so scary to have to see him acting out like that. Also, document everything. We are always available and are completely anonymous and confidential.
Hi…first time on here avid looking over verbal abuse. When he is upset I have to listen to him and he blames everyone else for his problems. Today he spit in my face because I was getting out of the car and he started to pull away playing around and I jump into the car just playing with him and hit him in the face by mistake and before I could say I was sorry he spite all over me. I became upset and he then call me some names I prefer not to say.. I spent over 9 years in abusive relationship but never saw myself as a victim until I was out of it. We meet when I was 17 and a few months later I was pregnant.
The verbal abuse started then, thankfully he never hit me while I was pregnant. Once our son was born he started to physically abuse me often, in front of our son and even while I was holding him. He would throw things at me, shove me up against the wall leaving bruises on my arms, throw me onto the bed, restrain me in painful ways so he could scream in my face, he even slapped me once.
I called the police once but refused to press charges once they were there. He said he has never acted like that before, so it was my fault. We I got pregnant again, the abuse stopped and I thought that it was for good. I was proud that I had made it through that and truly thought that he would never do it again.
But once our daughter was about 2, it did. Not as severely, but it did. He used illeagl drugs, abused perscription drugs, drank and was diagnosed as Bipolar. I did finally get a restraining order after he hurt me a few years later but I let it expire. He would threaten me, hurt me, and spent 9 years beraiting me and calling me names. He punched holes in the walls and would stay up until am slamming doors and yelling.
I finally got the courage and strength to leave him. Unfourtunatley, he is so manipulative that he has convinced the courts AND our children that I am trying to take the kids away and never let him see them again. The courts did give me primary custody but allow him to have the kids everyday until 6 when I then have to go pick them up.
He has convinced that court that I am the one with a temper. He has been to jail 2x for drug related incedences, has several felony convictions, is on probation, got arrested with our children present for drugs, has abused me and admitted to it on tape , and I have had a restraing order but none of that matters. He is still controlling me with the kids and the courts. He will never be out of my life because we have children together and I feel helpless. I feel just as stuck and helpless and worthless as I did living in that situation.
I do realize that I was a victim of domestic violence but no longer want to be a victim. I just wish I knew how to move on. Laura, You re no longer a victim, you broke the silence and got out! You are not stuck he is. If he is using your children thats the abuse cycle that he continues to feel empowered by however you remain empowered by the fact that you stood up to take your life back and for your children. You are an inspiration to many of us by getting out…you are not a victim, you are a survivor. Stay well. What you are describing does sound like abuse.
There are many types of abuse; including verbal, emotional, financial physical and sexual. He is choosing to treat you this way and it is not okay. You deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect. If you would like to talk about your situation you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at Advocates there can offer support and also help you locate local resources for counseling and shelter if you are interested in those as well.
The Hotline is confidential and anonymous. Thanks again for sharing in our blog community,. It sounds like you have worked very hard to get out of an abusive relationship and that takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage. It also sounds like you are in the process of moving on but he is trying to prevent that by continuing to try to abuse you through court system.
I can understand that you must be very frustrated after you worked so hard to get out of the relationship and are not getting the support you deserve. Hello, first time on this site. I am the same, did not realize how abusive my x husband of 12 years. Only 3 times did he physcially abuse me, but the verbal and emotional was daily. I am very depressed and dealing with the divorce and dealing with so many lies.. This gets me so stressed and the anxiety.
I also have never been in trouble with law. Just a couple of weeks ago he got arrested for grabbing me by the neck. My fear that he is just going to get away with this. I am so far from moving on but want to so bad. I do need to talk with other women who have been through this and have moved on and our in a happier place. Where I want to be. Hi my name is Ana and this is my first time on this site and first time ever talking about my relationship.
We have gotten in fights and it does not end up pretty. He has hurt me emotionally and physically. I know it is not healthy to be in this relationship but its a scary feeling. What i need is someone to talk to. Someone that is going through the same thing as me so i can know how to deal with this. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help.
Most communities in the United States do have domestic violence programs that offer free counseling and many also hold support groups. I think you are totally correct- sharing your experiences and processing your emotions with other women who have triumphed through such adversity is very healing and usually necessary.
Ana, I am so glad that you have contacted the Share Your Voice blog to share your story. Being in an abusive relationship can be very confusing, scary, and complicated. But I can tell you- what you are feeling in normal. It is so important to talk about what is happening with someone familiar with domestic violence so that you can figure out exactly what your options are.
In addition, we can give you numbers to programs in your area that offer free counseling and support groups. You are not alone. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My husband is an undercutting bully. I would like for him to leave — but I cannot handle the mortgage and utilities on my own right now. Also he owns a small cottage that would be perfect for him to live in — but he has a renter living there now.
I wish I knew when he would be coming home. He will come home tomorrow, unload the car, and flop on the couch and sleep until am. The house is in my name because I was a first time homeowner and I got a tax break a few years ago. I never bothered to put his name on the lease. It seems that as soon as the vows were said, he transformed. I tell my closest friend that Satan and his red cape, cloven hooves and breath of sulphur — is but a fairytale image of evil.
But true hell on earth is living with the simmering and seething anger and bullying of my husband. Grace, Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice blog community. We are always available and are anonymous and confidential. I fear for my sister well being. I feel she is afraid to do anything to prevent further abuse. Any tips? Jacquelyn, Many places offer free counceling for domestice violence victims.
I do suggest that you seek counceling as soon as possible. I know from experience that if you put it off, it just causes more problems. I as so glad you got out! I hope this helps. I am not going to tell my whole story on here but I left my childrens father a year ago. I moved from MI to NC. I have friends here who told me to come on. He is a truck driver by trade and although couldnt seem to get job when I was in MI found a job 2 weeks after I left.
I started out in a transitional living center and had a lot of support but I am working and doing pretty well now. I made a mistake and let him know where I was, thinking to allow him contact with kids. He will call and text x or more in a day on some days, the verbal and emotional abuse was still continuing! About 4 weeks ago, I finally made a similar statement to myself like the one you did.
He then came to visit and was drunk when he got here. My next door neighbor called my older daughter and his girl to get up and check on me. They called police and although I didnt press charges he went to jail for lieing to po lice and thinking he was ten feet tall and bulletproof. He still there, in jail, here in NC.. I just wanted him GONE. He had not ever acted that violent before. My abuse had been verbal, emotional and sexual. I know better but I now feel like I dont trust any man. I dont feel the same about sex. I will call somebody to talk about this but I feel kinda bad for him cause now he lost his job.
But I know it was his own d… fault. I feel like he will be stuck here whenever they let him out too and he will harass me. I do not feel like I will go back but I still feel obligated to have contact for the kids. Apparently strangulation is a felony? The rest of the charges on him are misdeamors but there are five seperate charges. The police made. He done f…. I just need help to move forward. Anyway, I know I wouldnt have a friend like that what he kept saying for us to be.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. Stay Strong. I feel somewhat helpless and worthless to a point, because I know I always have to deal with him. I have only been to court for legal custody of one of my little girls when I was in different state. We were given joint custody with me primary, I wasnt supposed to leave the state but MI wasnt very helpful when I tried to get help. Left him once while there, I moved there from VA Reading this I am thinking I had better find somebody to help me out to get custody of the other one too while he is in jail.
It takes so much strength to leave an abusive relationship. I am glad you and your children are in a healthier environment. It is normal to be feeling sad and alone, as the healing process takes time. Most local domestic violence agencies offer support groups and individual counseling. These services are usually either free or on a sliding scale payment plan. Thank you for reaching out for support.
I am in a emotional, physical, and sexually abusive relationship. When I think he is sincere I let him back in world. We had some really good times and some really bad times. He is on drugs and is drinking a lot of alcohol. Last year I went through something dramatic with him that the police were called.
At that time I however did get an order of protection against him and it is still active. For my children I do not want to see him go to jail even though he deserves it. What he needs is help. I try to tell him that he needs to go to rehab and he needs to stop drinking and smoking. Him going to jail is not going to help if he does not recieve help for his addictions and demons.
He will get out and do the same thing all over again. My real concern is for myself though. I am scared of what would happen. I feel as if he controls my mind and my world somehow. I want a change in my life. I want someone who is going to love me show me affection and do things for me. Instead I am being forced to do things that he wants all the time.
I am woken up out of my sleep at night to fix him food or go to the store for him. I am forced to perform sexual acts. When I try and leave he grabs me and holds me down or he will lay on top of me with his hand over my mouth and sometimes my nose. He will hold my hands behind my back. He takes my cellphone, he follows me to the bathroom if he worried about me calling the police when he acting a fool. He demands money from me all the time. I am constantly called out of my name and told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.
I have given this man chance after chance to get it together and now I am officially fed up. I want to be free, happy, respected, loved, and most of all I want affection. I feel like something is wrong with me because I keep allowing this to happen to me. I have been with this man for over 10 years. Everyday is not a bad day, however there are just too many bad days period. They are in one if the best school districts possible.
We have always lived in an apartment or a house. I want my own space to be free and move past all of these things. Someone please help me! Cailin, I am so sorry to hear what is going on within your family. Unfortunately, unless the children are being abused, the adult victim must report the abuse themselves. These situations can be very difficult for families. You are right, it is not easy to leave. Situations like this are hugely complicated and the emotions that go along with them are confusing.
But please know, you are not alone. I can tell you have a lot of questions and concerns that would be better answered if we were speaking directly. If you can safely use a phone without him walking in on you, I encourage you to call our hotline as soon as possible Advocates here can discuss options and resources and help you develop a safety plan.
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We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so as soon as you are ready we will be here waiting. All of our calls are anonymous and confidential, so any information you give will be safe with us. I have never vented like this before so please dont judge me. I have been in a relationship for 7 months only and every since the third month my boyfriend is constantly hitting me when he gets upset. He accuses me of doing stuff that I am not doing and insist that I am lying when i tell him the truth. I tried calling the cops but he got out of it and came back uninvited.
I have kept my mouth shut because of him. I dont know what to do im scared to move im scared to have any friends and im scared to turn to family because of what he might do to me. Help me please. Scaredtodeath, why would we judge you for sharing your truth? Please read the safety planning page immediately. Tell the police everytime he has made you fear for your safety or that of your child.
Do not tell him of any of your safety plans and use code with any correspondence with email and text messages. Hide a key to your car so you may leave quick or make up an excuse now to go to an appointment alone and go get help so that you can get a restraining order to get him out and change your locks. Threats are a real indicator that they are going to become real because the intent is already there. I olny say this because I know I have been there and safety planning saved my life and using my voice, putting my pride aside, utilizing the law which is there to protect.
Deal with the emotions later. Save yourself and your child. Your instinct led you here and thats strength so know you are strong enough to take your life back. Hope this helps, you are not alone and there is support out there just know that and use it. Best to you Deb. Scaredtodeath, Thank you for sharing your story with our Share Your Voice blog community. The constant accusations, the physical violence, the threats. All of it is his way of having control over you and what you do.
Your daughter and you deserve to feel safe in your home, and to not have to worry about being threatened or harmed. If you get a safe chance, I would really encourage you to reach out and call someone here at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at We are a safe place to talk about it. I appreciate knowing there are so many others out there struggling also. New career, new friends he got all or mostly all of them , a new home, neighborhood, etc. How do you start all over again? How does someone deal with that emotionally? To suffer abuse for 20 years is bad enough and then to have friends aggessively reject you and accuse you of exaggerating and support the abuser is too much to bear; pain on top of pain.
More rejection is the last thing we need. Talking to a counselor is good and helps to sort our feelings out, but I need to build a new life that I can feel good in each day. How do we start? It seems impossible at my age to build deep relationships. How do you replace friendships that were formed over so many years? They are victims too, of a manipulator who lives a double life. We all need a network of people, a community to feel we belong to.
How do we emotionally handle starting over our lives? It sounds like he is very good at manipulation even where friends are concerned. Have you thought about meeting new people through volunteering? It can be a great way to help your community, give you something to occupy your time, and meet like minded individuals. This would be another way to reach out to those who understand what you have gone through and meet someone who may need a new friend as well. I am so glad to hear that you are now free of your abusive relationship. The healing process takes time, so please be kind with yourself as you maneuver this path of new beginnings.
Thank you for sharing with our blog community. I am sorry that you are getting anxiety attacks from your abusive mother. Dealing with abuse from a parent can make life very complicated. Thank you for contacting the Share Your Voice community. He sounds just like my wife, yes I said WIFE She was a spoiled brat, allowed to behave like that when she was a child and continued to use it to this day, your husband is the same. Behaviour like this should be a criminal offence, punishable by flogging……they would all soon stop, thats for sure.
Problem with this site, like all the rest is there is nowhere for men suffering from such women and they are apparently 1 in 4 of the abusers!!! I put that word in quotes because even though my husband is gone from our home, I am still feeling tied to the man. The article on this website is so correct in saying leaving a relationship, however flawed, is a loss. It is. It must be grieved over and that is hard work when you are emotionally wrung out from the trauma. This might have ended with one of my sons or myself being murdered, when my husband decided in a drunken rage to pick up a fork and nearly stabbed my adult child — all because my spouse had fallen down granite steps in a luxury cottage rental last week and we asked him to slow up on his drinking for HIS OWN safety.
At the age of 64, and in poor health, he is likely to serve jail time I was told up to 6 months , and at night in my bed I weep for him. It was a choice he made, and there are consequences to every choice. I am now saying to myself, as I do to my clients every day — use every resource available to you to heal from what you have been through. I am weepy and jumpy and do alot of self-blaming. I also feel a great sense of shame, because my workplace has to post his picture at the entrances to my workplace.
But I also meditate and work on stopping negative self-talk and I know that in time I will feel better, safer, happier, healthier. We do not deserve anything but love and support from our spouses, anything less is unacceptable. Bet, Thank you for sharing your story with the Share Your Voice blog. You have provided some very powerful perspective for all of our readers. We here at the hotline totally agree that seeking professional support is truly necessary to someone fully recovering from the trauma of living through intimate partner violence.
If possible, we encourage our callers and readers to seek assistance from counselors who have been specifically trained in domestic violence so that they receive the best support available. Advocates here at the hotline 24 hours, 7 days a week provide our callers with local domestic violence counseling resources that are usually free to victims. Again, thank you for being so supportive to our community. Sharing your story is another great way to help you heal by helping others heal. Keep up the good work! Sarah, I myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship for six years and I just left for the 14th and last time.
He has warped my mind so much with his mind games. Good looking, smooth talker, always telling lies, con man. Every time I left, he would burn up my phone, e mail and make soooo many promises to change and make a better life for us, but 13 times, he never did. The last time I left him, for 4 months he threatened to kill himself and that really fed on my emotion because I did love him. I know that sounds crazy…I loved him? At one point, we all did. I am with you when you asked about the chat.
I too am weak. I feel fairly safe where I am but i do feel isolated. Because of what I went thru, I have no friends or family.. To be able to converse with other women with the same experiences would be a tremendous support mechanism. Thanks for sharing in our Blog Community and offering support. It can be difficult if you feel isolated and need more support. You are also welcome to call the Hotline if you decide at any time that you would like to. My daughter left her husband a week ago and got a protective order.
They have several young children and he has abused her physically and verbally in front of the children for over 5 years. He has guns but the permits were revoked last week and he is not supposed to go to the house or contact her or her family. She is staying away from the area and not going to the house.
He tried to contact her and now she is wanting to talk to him and feels sorry for him!!! She wants him to be able to visit her and the kids! Anything I can do to help protect them all? It sounds like your daughter has taken some big steps to getting out of an abusive relationship; unfortunately abusers are often great manipulators. You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at for support, ideas, resources and safety planning tips.
Your daughter may also call us as well. We are confidential and anonymous. Your daughter is lucky to have a Mom who is there for her and so supportive of her and her children. Its my fault for letting her control me though. I was just blinded by a love I have never felt before. I worshiped the ground she walked on and NEVER stood my ground bc all I wanted was for her to be happy still want that I just finally realized I cant make anyone happy if I dont take care of myself..
So we decided to end it a couple mos ago and the day after I moved back home, she found out she was pregnant yes its mine.. I am now 3 hours away from her, with friends and family, new job and working out again, and not spending 24 hours a day wondering how I can make her happy. God bless. I was in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship with a man for four years. At first, physical abuse was the prominent form of abuse. After getting into legal trouble for assault, verbal and emotional abuse began to rise. I thought I was strong enough to endure. I never thought, piece by piece, that is was chipping away at who I was.
This is what I have discovered over the recent months. He would leave as a form of punishment and finally I got tired. I became emotionally exhausted. I began to move on. Problem is, moving on is not as easy as I had thought. I battle daily with overcoming my thoughts to keep me from doubting my decision.
Sometimes my thoughts win and it becomes some what debilitating. I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts. I can not escape the abuse. I have told myself that I never loved him. How could you love someone who spit in your face? How could you love someone who choked you? Or told you they hated you? What could I possibly love? I never, in a million years, dreamed I would have this much emotional damage done to me. And I do not know how to rebuild. He seems to carry on with life just fine.
I could never imagine anyone living through what I lived through for even a day. I wish I would have known how devastating abuse can really be otherwise I would have left when I seen the red flags. Unfortunately I ignored them, and now I have to deal with the aftermath. Just browsing around the web I landed here looking for how to not bring emotional trauma to a new relationship.
I read many of the responses here. I figured I might add mine. I am a man. It seems I might be the only man to land here. However I am on the receiving end here. My wife and I were together for 4 years. He takes care of his family very well. But one question always arise in my mind; if he is really a happy man with his family why has he entered into my life? I do know very well that this relationship is giving me pain and happiness. I trust him a lot; the way he loves me and takes care of me but, he he has his family.
I feel guilty when I think that I am the other woman in his life. As the days passed I started thinking more about him. Whenever I am, in the office, home or out, I am just not able to stop my feelings for him I have already had enough pain in my married life. Now this relationship is giving me happiness and pain. When I shared this with him he said that this pain will be for my life time, but he tries to keep me happy as much as possible.
I have been hating myself now for days. I cannot spend my entire life in this dark affair. I am in confusion. I am not able to judge my position or feelings. No one intentionally gets into these affairs! We will never realize it until we are hurt. After a 20 year marriage my wife had an affair with a married man who has two infant children ; we have three teenagers.
The history was sort of like a B movie. My gut instinct told me she was cheating, I asked, she denied, I hired a PI, who then caught filmed her meeting up in parking lots in shady places. However, what one should expect, or demand really, is fair disclosure ahead of the secondary relationship crossing the line into romantic love. At minimum, one owes this to your primary spouse, and even more so, themselves. The truth hurts once, but lies last forever or much longer. Had my wife now ex-wife been honest up front, it would have been much better for her.
She, like many cheaters, projected her guilt onto to me, and her youngest child, as she began and pursued her affair. This is where that led her. It is a work related affair at a public school. Both are at risk of losing their jobs she for sure if this comes out. They are still relegated to parking lots, in off hours, as they maintain secrecy. Dignity is gone.
When I take away my emotion, and look at her decision process, it would have been so much easier had she come clean up front, told me she has fallen in love with someone else, get a divorce and then would proceed with the other person ideally after he did the same. Once again, it would have still hurt and very much so, however so much drama could have been avoided. Instead, she went with the nefarious affair path, wreaked havoc on both families, and received a scholarship to infamy. If you are about to cross the line into affair land, stop, think about the most dignified exit strategy, which will lead you to truthful disclosure, to your existing spouse and family.
Yes, it might cause you a little lot more pain up front, but it will be less than what you get on the back end. She blindsided me, but then played me for a fool, and in doing so reaped, terrible reward. Move ahead with the second relationship, only after clearly ending the first.
My dad recently revealed that he is having an affair with a woman who happens to live in the house that we rent she is our tenant — he is her landlord. This is the second time he has gone to back to her. It started that he would be out late drinking at the pub, sometimes until three and four in the morning. At first he tried to blame it on me and my brother, saying that we do nothing when we actually do quite a lot.
When me and my mum asked him if he was having an affair he blatantly said NO! He said the reason that he has left is that WE are NOT fun anymore and that we are boring, and that HER and HER family are actually fun and laugh at his jokes which we have heard a thousand times, yawn. He has said that the whole family are scumbags. I know for a fact some of their friends and families smoke weed and do drugs. So why go back to her and them, then? But he is still quite happy to come back and do the house maintenance. How do you think it will end? My husband left and married the OW, who left her husband.
After several years it still hurts. Our son wants his daddy home—and so do I! Yet he married her anyway, how bizarre is that? His family does NOT approve of his monumentally stupid choice. Well…I believe he and I will reconcile, though it may take a while. But I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
My son knows that his father is living in sin…but he still loves his dad, and I encourage that. And no, I would NOT be stupid to take my husband back. And I still love my husband very much. To Consider yourself lucky. Divorce him, concentrate on yourself, and move on. I have been married for 3. I was his everything. We laughed together, we travelled, we were supportive of each other, we were two peas in a pot.
Eventually we separated in October when he left the house and told me he was going to live with his grandmother for a month to think things through. He assured me that he still loved me and that he would visit me every day and hang out with me. His cashier!! You want to know how I found out?? Through facebook! He never had the guts to tell me face to face. I see pictures of them hugging and kissing and it kills me! I am so heartbroken and destroyed. I feel lonely, confused, betrayed, angry, sad, abandoned…. I cannot believe he did what he did. What the hell is that?? We still talk here and there but he seems not himself anymore.
He left this marriage impulsively and he has mental issues. Like many of you, I read and read and read stories on here trying to link my situation with other and I did. I like the first sentence that has stated in that things change, seasons change and people change. In the beginning I prayed on a dirty bathroom floor at my job, snot, tears, messy hair for 30min asking God to take me away from the temptation before my situation happened.
I know we have choices and that was mine. I eventually had a daughter after a few years of marriage but instantly since she was born became the single parent. The intimacy was lacking, no connection and so forth. One thing that I do in life is I journal — I deeply believe in it, as you are in another time in your life, feeling a certain way in your truth at that particular time. I have several journals and decided to write in them over the course of my marriage as well as my teens and 20s…recently I looked back on them and was flabbergasted by how unhappy I was and how I longed for certain things in my marriage that were not being fulfilled mainly support with our child.
I kept justifying my situation to make me feel somewhat better never truly living my authentic self. I even helped raised his 2 other children by 2 different women. I am now moving out of my home and we will have joint custody of our young daughter. So for ANYONE to come on here bible bashing or bashing in general seems to be obvious that they are not happy within themselves let alone someone else. Things change, seasons change, people change….
I was caught off guard to a degree finding out my ex-wife wanted a divorce, I was even more bewildered when I found out she was sleeping with and moving in with another man. Hindsight, I should have seen the signs. Me working nights, she working days, two kids in diapers, complete bedlam and little time for intimacy. It is strange how real life stress can disintegrate any bond you thought you had with a partner that should have only lasted three to six months….
When everything first unfolded I was enraged and deeply depressed at the same time. Enter the rub, we are having are last date tomorrow and going out to dinner and seeing a show, knowing that this very well could be are last night out together. With all the sham, drudgery, and broken dreams the world can still be a beautiful place. We had been married for 5 years when he left me. He said he just wanted to focus on his career and not worry about a wife.
Stupid me. Few weeks after out divorce was finalized, he married a woman he knew through work in a country where he travelled for work about twice a month. They now live here together and she has taken my place in his and his families life. It was like after 10 years together I just ceased to exist.
Moving On Emotionally After An Abusive Relationship | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Luckily I have moved on because I feel that anyone who can be that deceitful is not worthy of ever being trusted again. There are hard days but I love myself enough to just let it go. One thing that does often cross my mind though, is that the only reason I am able to live a peaceful existence is because my conscious is free from guilt. So what are the odds this new marriage of his will last? I know I was a great wife and he left for his own emotionally disturbed reasons. How can this second marriage not be doomed from the beginning is beyond me. I am older, the female, and have been in a marriage for 19 years, for security.
I felt he was and has been more like a father, but very emotional mentally abusive. He noticed me some, but not enough. I believe everything happens for a reason. Recently, I connected with him and several of us went out. Neither of us expected it, but it was magic. I am and have been in love with him all of these years. His marriage has been one of convenience. We live in different states and he never cheated.
I know he feels the same. I am married out of convenience and I have a male friend for years. Since I was young I have been head over heels, but our paths were separated. In the last five years they have crossed and in the past few months it has become more. Both of our children are grown and gone. We are middle aged and have told each other we love each other. I am in a place to leave. He could and says he wants to, but I think he is scared.
His marriage is out of convenience. We agree we are both in abusive relationships. I am in total love, always have been. I want the whole package but there is nothing i can do if he is comfortable the way he living and getting the both of best worlds. This just started; it has only been a few months and we are fairly far apart geographically. Any critics I know them for years. I completely agree with you, My mom was devastated.
She had loved my husband as her own son and it totally broke her heart. His mom was hurt by his actions as well. We lost our home that we worked so hard for. No reply. I have since moved on and remarried and am very happy. I honestly cannot tell you how he feels about his situation. I, too, have the same opinion of cheaters. Some people stumble and take down everyone with them. There can be a ripple effect that involve children, extended family, financial stability, housing, etc. People who have affairs are lacking in the moral department.
I have made the choice to have a better life without a cheater in it. I feel sorry for you, though. I made a mistake but know that God is unchanged in his love for me, even when I stumble. There is hope for you as well. Very well said, I wish I could print that up and send it to my ex. I left my wife and two children 8 years ago, for the girl I was having an affair with.
It was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life. I have felt nothing but guilt and grief for the past few years, not really playing a big role in the upbringing of my two boys. This is what had destroyed my life the most. And the constant bickering between my ex wife and partner I had the affair with, pretty much did me in. This time I can never have back.
If your marriage is in crisis, or you are having an affair, I totally understand it, but take some time to think about your kids and make sure there emotional well being is also taken into consideration. And, yes a relationship that began in deceit, can really never have the trust needed.
Then the resentment you had for your marriage, you were so unhappy with, gets transfered over to the partner you had the very affair that ended it, ruining that. We are all just trying to find our way in life, there is no hand book tailored specially for you, so you make the decision that is right at the time. Hindsight, is one of the most horrible words in the English language, because there is no time machine to go back, and correct where things went wrong, that you know so many years later. This is what I needed all along, not anti depressants or pain killers.
You brought it on yourselves knowing full well what you were doing. Not just for the wife,but kids,families, …. You destroy trust, family structure, the list is endless. Go cry to someone who gives a damn. You have done enough damage already. And yes I am calling you a cheater and a home wrecker as well as the louse you cheated with.
You reap what you sow and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Just wait…. I am a recent widow of 2. I was married for 34 years to a terrific man and had a beautiful daughter. Before meeting my husband I was in a loving relationship with a wonderful loving young man, but unfortunately we drifted apart when I went to college and he took a job with another company out of state. This young man and I have always been in love with one another and had some contact early on in my marriage as friends, but clearly we still cared for each other. Time passed till 35 years later and out of the blue this young man from so many years ago contacts me to see how I was.
Oddly it was on the two year anniversary of my husbands death. We spoke on the phone and honestly felt as though it was that young couple in love from so many years ago. We met for lunch to catch up and he told me he was married. My heart sank as I knew this was not something I wanted to be involved in. The connection was so electric and I was so vulnerable still that just having someone to talk to and share my sadness with was incredibly satisfying.
We met again for another lunch and it began. The physical attraction that is. Now I know this was wrong, but there I was kissing a married man. He revealed to me that he has never stopped loving me for 35 years. My heart skipped a beat. I felt the same way he did. Did I mention he has two grown daughters? But his actions began to show me that he really was thinking of me for so many years. As a woman I would never want this to happen to me. But there is no doubt…we are so in love with each other that its heart wrenching.
On the other hand he and his wife have been in a sexless marriage for 8 years now. Yet we feel like Also 4 years ago he was in a seriously bad situation as he was stricken with cancer. He survived and vowed to reconnect with me if he ever survived. So finally…after so many years we have found joy…in our ripe old age. But just want you all to know that this story is something out of a movie or novel.
However…its also tormenting because how can something that feels so incredibly right be so wrong? But this blog made me realize I am not alone. Thanks for listening. But please, do the right thing, end one relationship before starting another. There is no justifying cheating. It also sounds like you could use some quality time for yourself and your kids if you are in a position to do so. Do you have family that you can go to? Thank you It turns out I have none. Her family is starting to at least ask her questions, and communicate a little. I feel better for that. I wanted this to be as easy on her kids as possible.
As to your question why do fools fall in love? Because they are just that, fools. I was any way. And , if you are in the midst of your own nightmare, be strong, take each day one a at a time. It shows strength. The past 3 days I have read every comment and learned a lot. Why do fools fall in love? He has a new job that takes him away from our home and was only around on weekends. That is where I found pictures of her. I felt like I was stabbed. When I asked why did he string me along and make me think we had a life together, when we clearly did not, he replied that it was complicated.
Which I assumed meant they were biding their time until they could be together? She is married too with three children. We do not have any together. It would seem they are very much in love and could tell each other everything including how unhappy they were in their marriages.
I wish someone would have told me.
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He never even gave me a chance. Any way, to make a long story short we wondered if we could be friends since we agreed that it had once been pretty solid. I asked what about me? I have been doing this alone. I know how terrible sometimes family can be and just felt genuinely bad for her. I told him that I wanted to invite her here to my home and help me clean and pack.
Took me a while to convince him, took even longer to convince her. She finally made it there and was greeted by me at the door with a big hug. I told them not to confuse this with me forgiving them, I have not. There is much more, but the end result was I gave them both my love and support and wished them happiness. I gave her my phone number and said she could call or text if she needed to. For those who are thinking I am just desperate and hanging on, let me assure you, I am far from it. I have let him go already, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Sadly for me, what friends and some of his family members who had originally opened up their hearts to me have closed the doors and have stopped speaking to me. I suspect because of how I chose to deal with this. This was a much clearer path for my healing to begin, despite the difficulties. Can anyone offer any advice on my what seems to be huge loss of everyone around me? Am I crazy? I really appreciate some of the heart felt, open posts on this forum.
You remind me of what it means to be human. The religious dogma has its place- on a forum for fanatics. If a person, such as a scientist, does not believe in a make believe jugge in the sky, these moral brow beating posts fall on deaf ears. Marriage is also a social construct that defies who we really are as free spiritual and physical beings with real human emotions and desires. Beating a Bible from some sort of moral pulpit is not any sort of response.
I just broke up with my fiancee a couple weeks ago. I am devastated!! I am a lot older than him. I am 38 and he is When we fist got together we hit it off right away. I thought fate brought us together because I moved out of state to be with someone else. The relationship only lasted a year and I was back out in the dating pool a few months later. I met my fiancee on a dating site. We had a fairytale relationship for the first 20 months. We were inseperable. There was nothing I could do wrong in his eyes. My annoying quirks he would find cute and silly. I breathed him in everytime he was near me.
We moved in together after the first year and decided to share a joint bank account. He prosed to me on My birthday in May I cried all day. I was the happiest woman on earth. After he put that ring on my finger we started having issues in our relationship. We were fighting about little things more and more. We were losing the communication. I thought maybe we were spending too much time with each other and at this stage in our relationship almost 2 years that we needed to have an outside life so I took up a hobby.
I started playing poker. He got jealous and would tell me that I was spending too much time with poker and neglecting him. I started playing less but he would still find an excuse to not like me going to play poker. I felt like I could do no right in his eyes now. It was stressful to keep him happy but to also keep myself happy at the same time. I let myself go and focused on him. At this point I started drinking more and gained some weight, stopped doing my makeup and hair. I had a breakdown and wound up in a mental hospital for a week. He was there for me when I came out but blamed our problems on me since I wound up in the hospital it must be my fault.
We were breaking up every other week after this. The breakups never lasted more than a day because no matter what we were still bestfriends and he was the only family I had here in this state and I was his as well. In December we almost ended it for good and I went to NJ to visit my family and he went to Florida to visit his family. During that time apart we realized what we had was worth fighting for and we decided to lay out all our problems and address each one with a solution.
We decided this was out last chance and we had to put all our effort into making this work. Since January until the end of March things were going good. About 6 weeks ago he started going out with the guys from work for a couple beers at least this is what he told me, I found out that he was actually going out to clubs. After about a month I asked if I could meet his new friends.
I suggested that us and their girlfriends go out for dinner. He said he had a lot on his mind but for me to not worry about it and to go back to bed. The next morning he got up earlier than I did. I knew something was wrong. I followed him downstairs where I told him I knew something was bothering him. He swore up and down that there was no one else influencing his thoughts. I said do you want to break up with me. I said as long as we are ok I will stand beside you and support you with anything you need. When I did see him I would ask over and over again did he leave me for someone else.
I had a gut feeling he was lying and there was someone else but he was adamant on keeping me in his life that he continued to lie to me. He left his work phone at home 1 night and I saw he had a missed call from a girl. I looked her up on facebook. I saw that her and my ex were friends and he had liked all her pretty pictures. My heart fell out of my chest.
She was beautiful. He found someone better than me. I wanted to know the truth so I had messaged her and explained who and why I was messaging her. I found out they have been seeing each other for a month now I just realized he was also cheating on me and feelings were now involved. I was crushed. It brought back a memory of his ex before me who messaged me 2 months into our relationship to warn me that he was a lying, cheating piece of crap. I should have listened. I told the new girl everything. I told her this must be a pattern for him since apparantly he did this to the girl before me.
I sent her messages as proof. I at least put the doubt in her mind for the rest of their relationship even if she chooses to stay. I still live with my ex until I move out on May 1st. I wake up everyday hoping that this was all just a nightmare. I never thought he out of anyone I love would ever do this to me. Who did I fall in love with? Who is this guy? I feel so worthless, ugly and not good enough for him. Now I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I hate the fact that he is so happy while I am suffering the worst pain I think I ever felt in my life.
Been married 21 yrs, married for wrong reason to begin with, he cheated MANY times!!!! I stayed, kids!! I thought it was best. LOTS of mental abuse through the years, rather volatile. Had Pulmonary Embolism and almost died, was told just out of ICU that he had also hired hookers yrs earlier??????? Kids are 19,12 and 10 now. Should I take the risk or stay with hubby now???? I too was brought up in a home with a father that cheated. With men no less. My mother was cold and selfish. Their marriage was a sham.
I was taught by both that marriage was important and binding. What a joke!! Yet I hoped and dreamed of a lasting loving relationship. My husband is an outstanding member of the community,a religious person above reproach. Hello Jennifer, Thank you so much for contributing to our blog community. It can be so difficult to feel as though you cannot trust your own judgments, and we know that behaviors like gaslighting can really contribute to that confusion. I can see that you have tried to do everything within your power to help cultivate a healthy relationship, but when the abusive person is refusing to change or even acknowledge their own actions it can be difficult for that healthy relationship to actually happen.
What we see is that change can be possible for abusive individuals but the key to that change is the understanding that their behavior is unhealthy and abusive. It sounds as though that is something you have tried to bring to his attention several times, the fault is not in yourself. Gaslighting can be incredibly confusing and can make the victim of abuse question all kinds of things about themselves, like I am seeing from what you are saying.
You are in no way responsible for his behavior or actions, I can see how some of the things he says to you can be confusing. It can be hard to remember the truth of yourself when you have someone else telling you something different every day. But asking for a healthy relationship is not a crime, it is not something you should be abused over.
I know this can be complicated and can take a lot of support so know that we are here 24 hours a day and are completely confidential and anonymous. Our number is , and we are always here. Take care. Hotline Advocate RF. I was always too jealous and too sensitive. I was always asking myself, am I too jealous, am I too sensitive? Emotional, psychological and financial abuse are as bad as physical abuse.
But I found out he was cheating again. I was pretty much told I had to put up with it. Jennifer, your bf sounds just like my ex did when we were married, and like you, I turned to the internet for information. I even asked myself the same question — am I being abusive? He told you his friend said that to make you feel even worse, so that he can use it against you. You deserve to be with someone who has morals and integrity who will treat you with respect. You deserve to have your questions answered, you deserve to have someone who wants to be with you, spend time with you, have conversations with you, answer your questions, not flirt with other women, not lie to you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with our community. Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. It sounds like your experiences are very much like those shared by other survivors. Abuse often begins very subtly and escalates over time. Hello My husband does this to me. Some days I feel it would be easier if I just die. Thank you for reaching out to our blog community.
It sounds like a lot is going on and like this has been such an overwhelming situation. We know that people who are abusive will use many different tactics to gain and maintain power and control in the relationship, including gaslighting and other manipulation tactics. I am concerned for both your physical and emotional safety. We know it takes so much to reach out for help, and I am glad that you have here. Please give us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a call at to talk to an advocate about what is going on and to explore the possible options.
You may also want to check out the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, they can be reached at OK- so I am just looking for confirmation that what I experienced is exactly what I think it is- abuse. My husband of 28 years started accusing me of infidelity that never occurred. I thought that we had a good marriage, and of course as the years go on and the kids grow older things change, but I always thought we had what it would take to be in it for the long haul.
We were soul mates, we were going to be there for each other until the end. Who will be in your meetings? Some things were easy to answer and I have no idea exactly what I was doing at … I might be able to answer , ,! Then because I did not know that I must have been doing something I needed to cover up.
Anyway he said he had forgotten his phone in my office one day and had alot of questions, I answered each one without any hesitation. He had apparently left a recorder in my office and mistakenly heard a door close which was to a closet, he thought it was the door to the office and I had someone on there. This was never brought up again. This was only the beginning of what seemed like the end of my life.
This type of behavior went on for months. Please understand, my husband was turning 50, I was passing a lot of his strange behavior off as just being some kind of mid life crisis. He had always been somewhat jealous- always needed to be the center of attention- but e grew up in a military family, moved around a lot, was number 6 out of 11 children.
I knew some of these things from the beginning- some of these things were things I loved about him. One day he picked me up from work and made awful accusations, said he had turned on the voice memo on my phone, as I carried t my pocket because I had to carry it on me at all times, so he could reach me eh apparently heard me in the bathroom doing things with someone at in the morning, in a bathroom mind you where there was plenty of staff that would have absolutely seen two people come out of there -it would have been so obvious. But my husband was sure- he knew- and made me quit my job. He decided to also create a will.
That was it-my life is now officially crazy. He called me every name in the book. We stayed up some days fighting for 24, 36, 42 hours at a time. I was smoking up to two packs of cigarettes a day and just staring out into nothing,barely eating, because I could not make sense of what was going on in my life- how could he think these things, how could he not see the truth?
So the answer of course was to go take a polygraph, well ten days into this madness, I went, I took the polygraph, but the man said it was deceptive. I was in shock- I ansered the questions truthfully, how could they come back deceptive? So I am now in an even lower place of not understanding what has happened to the life that I knew. I understand more now about how polygraphs work- they work on emotion, not the truth- and yes, I was emotional. I did not tell the polygraph examiner that I had no less than 7 bruises on my body at the time of examination form a struggle I had with my husband over a gun.
Well I have gone on and can continue with so much more- but from just the little bit that I have shared- do you all think this was abuse.. The biggest issue that I have is that even understanding now that we can not and should not be together- I still love this man, I know that is my issue, but I still love this man. Thank you for sharing your experiences with our online community.
We know that abuse tends to escalate over time, and it sounds like you experienced escalation at an intense and very rapid rate. His interrogations, accusations of cheating, recording you, forcing you to quit your job — none of these behaviors are respectful or okay.
You deserve to be treated with respect, and your husband is not making choices that acknowledge that right, or your right to be safe. There is nothing that makes it okay for him to treat you this way, and you deserve to be safe. Having someone you trust and love constantly badger you about your whereabouts and accuse you of cheating is incredibly hurtful and confusing.
His accusations were not about you doing something wrong; they were about shifting the focus and power of your relationship. By creating a situation where you are constantly defending yourself against his accusations, your husband is taking control over the relationship, instead of maintaining a equal balance of power with respectful conversation, where both partners feel safe. I can hear how the stress and trauma of these experiences are affecting you, and your reaction is normal.
Anyone going through this would feel exhausted, bewildered, confused, and hurt. Many people who choose to be abusive use tactics like these to manipulate and control their partners. Having that future change in this way would be confusing and hurtful to anyone. If you would like to talk more about your relationship and ways to increase your safety, please feel free to call us anytime. All of our conversations are anonymous and confidential. First off, I am a man and want everyone to understand that no one is immune.
It happens to men too, and not wimpy men only. I used to be a firefighter and bouncer. I am also a man who has been raising my kids by myself for 11 years. That said, this past July I married a beautiful woman who had me convinced that we were perfect for each other. I say this because within a month of getting married, She began physical violence against me. Within 3 months from getting married, she was arrested. She began threatening me that she was going to kill others around me. My kids were too afraid of her to tell anyone. By the time I realized there was a problem, I had been assaulted by her mentally, physically and sexually.
I had no clue that the latter was even possible but its not about sex, its about violence and control. After she was arrested, I became devastated and felt guilty. I felt that I had let her down. I thought that something had happened to her that caused her to snap and she just needed help. I contacted a local organization that helps domestic violence victims to try getting her help and that was when I realized that I was a victim.
When she was released from jail, the judge gave her permission to stay at my house that I had prior to us getting married and me and my 2 children had to leave. The courts dropped the domestic violence case. Primarily because I called the States attorney office and begged them to not send her to jail and get her help instead. That was a huge mistake but that was before I spoke with the D. The day after charges were dropped, she was at my office trying to convince me to come back home. She broke into my car also.
With the help of the organization, I filled for an injunction for protection. The day of the hearing I sat in front of the judge with 6 pages of dated incidents where she had attacked me along with photos, police reports and photos of damaged property. The normal Injunction Judge was not there and we had a substitute judge who heard me speak for a grand total of 45 seconds before stopping me. He looked at my beautiful wife and asked her if she had ever done anything to hurt my. The judge asked her if I was just to sensitive to which she smiled and said well, yes, he is.
The judge then asked me if I ever pushed her or hit her to which I said no. Everyone in the courtroom was shocked from the Victims Advocates, lawyers who heard me speak for less than a minute said they wished I had called them. I have filled for a divorce which thankfully is uncontested, at least for now. Since she drained my bank account into her personal account, I have no money.
Yet I receive txt messages from her saying I love you and I wish I could take away your hurt. Mind you, this has all taken place in 4 months. I never thought it would happen to me and I was never made aware of the signs. If I had, perhaps this could have all been avoided before we married when it was just the gaslighting. Never blame the victim because this is not a situation where anything the victim does contributes to the actions of the abuser.
They do not love you! Anyone can be in a relationship with someone who chooses to be abusive, and it is a confusing, painful, scary situation; a situation that no one ever deserves to experience. You should never be penalized or looked down on for refusing to be aggressive or hurt another person. We wish everyone made the choice to be respectful and non-violent, and participate in healthy relationships. As you know, your ex-wife had no right to hurt you or your kids in any way. Being treated this way by someone you love, who says that they love you is incredibly hurtful and confusing.
It can take time and work to make sense of what has been done to you, and you deserve all the help available on this journey. All conversations are anonymous and confidential. Gaslighting is such a subtle strategy abusers will use to gain and maintain power and control in the relationship. There are many other strategies outlined in other blog posts. Know that you can also feel free to give our hotline a call at to talk them through with an advocate.
But I have decided that all of the above is ok. He will not break me. Because the only thing worse then 15years with this man? Is spending my entire life living like that. We know that leaving can be a difficult and dangerous process. You did what you needed to, and your choices kept you and your children safe and alive in a dangerous situation.
Your children are lucky to have a mom who is so strong, and shows them that they deserve to be safe. Because of your choices, you and your children can now have a safe future. Holy cow — reading all this is such validation. As I read these, I see bits and pieces of my long-term recently ended relationship. I started a log years ago because I was always told I was exaggerating, too sensitive, crazy, etc. Re-reading my log — and reading here — confirms even more what I already knew. Sending good thoughts to all here. Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community!
I am so glad this post was so validating, we know that abuse can be so subtle sometimes that it is difficult to figure out exactly what is going on. Keeping that log was such a good idea! Know that the National Domestic Violence Hotline is always available to talk this through. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. I love him. I am feeling the same way that may of the other people have posted here. Not so much physical, but alot of mental. At her request for my point of view on something; then I am rediculed for my opinion. Everything i do or say she turns it around as if I am attacking her.
I am just running out of options. I have read the questionaire severl times in disbeleif that i am going through all of them. What am I suppose to do…? Hi Brooke, Wow, that is such an abusive situation. No one stays because they like being abused. Abusers have their good qualities and a lot of abusive relationships have good periods. This dynamic is what makes leaving so difficult. Anxiety attacks are tough to deal with and cause a lot suffering, yet they are not the cause of abusive behavior. Abuse is about having power and control in a relationship.
Ultimately, it is your decision what actions you decided to take. Please call us at whenever you need to talk. It can be quite a shock to realize that your relationship is abusive. One of the biggest signs of an abusive relationship is if nothing is ever good enough. Many abusers blame you for the abuse and try to make you feel like you are inferior. This is just one way of minimizing and justifying abusive behavior. Remember, no one ever has the right to be abusive towards you. There is nothing wrong with who you are or what you do that is causing the abuse.
An abuser will be abusive towards anyone they are with and no matter how perfectly you do things. Making a decision is difficult and overwhelming. To talk to an advocate, please call I just had a physical altercation with my ex-boyfriend yesterday. Our relationship has gone back and forth for about 7 months now. The longest he has stayed away from me has been 3 days. He finally left at 3 this morning.
Anytime I would talk about how I feel he would leave and then beg to come back. This last time I had it and we began to fight after I asked for the key to my home. He pushed and grabbed my arms and kicked, I was afraid so I waited til he got by the front door and as usual he throws the key across the room while yelling drunken obscenities.
I was horrified and unable to sleep. He preceded to call me at least 25 times before he finally came to the house at am…I knew he would return I had changed the alarm code…but with him having the key nothing stops him from coming in. I look up in he is standing in my bedroom door. I talked to him and he tried to play on my emotions of him being drunk and not being able to drive, well he was drunk when he left the first time. I stood my ground even if it could cost me my life…once I got my right key and got him out the door he hit me twice with the door in the face before leaving.
I was in shock but a part of me is fearful of leaving the house. Because he knows our schedules so well. I never thought he was abusive, a little controlling…I mean nothing I did was right. He got mad at for cleaning the kitchen after Thanksgiving meal at pm…saying I should have waited. He was faithful, overly loyal….
I thought I hit the lottery…when in reality I gained a liability who would make me feel as if my existence was only valid because he made it so. Am I overreacting? It sounds like your ex-boyfriend is very dangerous and taking that threat seriously is a very smart thing to do. Knowing that someone who chooses to be violent towards you has access to your house and knows your schedule can be a terrifying situation.
You made some really smart choices in the middle of a very scary situation and you are the reason why you and the kids were able to stay safe. He has no right to be threatening towards you or to hurt you or the kids. You have the right to be safe, emotionally, mentally, and physically. All calls are confidential and anonymous. It sounds like we dated the same person! He was a prick. An effete, horrible little prick who I loved. When we met and for about the first six weeks it was perfect.
No one has ever looked at me with that sort of obsessive infatuation. He idolised me and said I made him a better person. Then he forced sex on me. Stole from me. Frequently told me I was crazy. You feel like his eyes are the only eyes you can truly navigate the world with. I put up with this for a year. But it feels like it was forever and I am this flinchy untrusting basketcase.
But men, I just cower. It sounds like your relationship was incredibly hurtful and dangerous. A year is a long time to have someone you care about and love, someone you should be able to trust lying to you and manipulating your sense of reality. Gaslighting is so dangerous because of how it affects our perception and our ability to trust ourselves. No one has the right to be abusive — emotionally, sexually, financially. It may be helpful to find a local domestic violence counselor or support group as you work towards reclaiming the truth of who you are.
All conversations are confidential and anonymous. Hello there my name is Laura I am 26yrs Old, I live with my partner and I was just wondering if the same thing is happening to me. I have been in my relationship with my partner for 4 years and I think I am experiencing gas-lighting at home, I have been through some very emotional and negative times and was wondering if anyone could give me an explanation and what to do. I also dont feel I get any emotion when I say I love you it sounds robotic …sometimes and the only time I get hugs is when I sleep or when he wants to have sex …. All I ever needed was someone to listen to I am at the moment at the stage of struggling to clean up after him and his friends …and I have to live in a tip!
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Emotional and verbal abuse are extremely affecting. We know how serious these attack are and how they make a person feel lost and confused. Abusers do blame their partners for everything. Remember they want power and control over you so they attack your self-esteem and make you feel like everything you do is wrong.
From what you have written, it sounds like he is being emotionally manipulative by withholding his emotions from you. His lack of affection could be a way of upsetting you and making you wonder if he loves you. Again this is a way to have more power and control. I can imagine this situation frustrates you and that you react to the unhealthy environment. Unfortunately, most abusers do not change. They will not take responsibility for their abusive behavior. Please call us to discuss your situation further.
You may want to consider calling your local domestic violence hotline to get some guidance around what options you have. The number for the National Domestice Violence Hotline is My husband has been in the automotive retail sales business 47 years. A sly fox he is no one knows that he is only looking out for himself. He can turn peoples decisions around on five minutes.
He is a terrible husband. He is a workaholic and he paints himself as being a hard working loyal guy. He is never around to help me out with things. He is not handy but he is terribly cheap. My husband always down played serious events that happened to me and everything was always about him. Try to correct him on something and he would get angry. After caring for his mother for two long years daily she passed away and my husband treated me with such disrespect in front of people.
My own parents married 47 years until moms death to cancer when I was 26 , never fought not once in front of their two daughters. My father was a great man. My mother so awesome. I know they had differences but to the world they were so united and nothing could get between them. My parents never prepared me for how people are in the real world. No other kids cared about anyone but themselves. I could feel pain others felt. So when my manipulation husband is later working me it took a long time before I caught on. It was had from the start. One tragic event after another.
I started using drugs to numb the pain and my husband would rage and talk such h. Many abusers are like him, manipulative and lacking remorse for their actions. Abusers also tend to present a different picture to the outside world. We hear this all the time; the abuser is a terrible partner behind closed doors and presents himself as a great person in public. You and your parents sound like wonderful, caring people.
It must have been a shock to realize that anyone could be as manipulative or abusive as your husband. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Using drugs to numb the pain and trauma is more common than most people assume. In fact, many abusers may even pressure you to keep using drugs in order to justify their abuse and to have more control over you.
If you ever need to talk about your relationship or what options you might have, please feel free to call us at My now ex that I dated since April I broke up with him in November constantly gas lighted me. The part that stands out the most to me is he would constantly tell me I was stupid for feeling certain ways — our relationship started out rocky as he tried to cheat with many of my friends, but he convinced me I was stupid for believing my friends who I had known much better and longer than I had knew him.
I constantly felt worthless, un-needed, like a sex toy. It was always something wrong with me — never him. Thank you for sharing. Your feelings are always valid. I believe most people would have felt exactly like you did in your relationship. We also know that abusers can be extremely manipulative to the point that you question your own judgment and experiences.
You had every right to let him know that the way he was treating you was not okay and that it made you feel awful. You were communicating with him and trying to make the relationship healthy. Unfortunately, he only wanted to have power and control, not a healthy relationship. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship. Here I am 45 years old trying to pull myself out of this hole. Gaslighting, sociopath to the fullest extreme. No one knows exept you people know what im going thru. The professionals say I should be in treatment.
Like Michelle I started taking screen shots because I know I was going to have to cover my ass. This guys is a monster. No where near the guy I met 2 years go. I honestly dont think ill ever get close to a man again. I just dont want to. My heart is shattered. I already know the answer to this but i want to destroy him. No one knows the person he is. He has everyone duped. You can even read his Yelp from work all the woean go goo goo over him. Makes me want to throw up. But, then i look like the bitter ex gf. So many of the listed criteria fit perfectly.
What makes me most confused though is he constantly says that he is being abused. He will look at something like this and say other people do these things to him. Then he tells his few friends and coworkers who do not know him very well that I am not only crazy but that I have all sorts of mental disorders and am abusive.
A few times he actually did this last night he will print out abusive criteria or mental disorders and highlight all of the areas he claims I have. It is always a different list. He has a BA in Psychology and therefore assumes he is qualified to diagnose anyone, and frequently does. I have never laid my hands on him, though he has me. He does things though like pull my hair when he is screaming so he can pull my ear closer to him, but then denies ever doing such a thing. He tells me I am crazy and am making it up so that people will feel bad for me.
Or he will throw a cup at me if he is mad and its in his hands and later he says he only through the water on me and that Im lying. He will lie to his friends, family and coworkers who then in turn are extremely rude to me making me feel very alone. When I see them I feel very embarrassed as they believe all of these lies about me. The few times Ive stood up for myself they attack me with odd lies that they have been told.
I know what type of person you are. I have come to learn that he was not at all. Of course I have my own friends and family. They all dislike him and after 10 years see his abusive nature. At first they all thought he was so sweet and good to me. Little by little he started to let his behavior slip in front of some of them. He now hates all of them. He says they are all liars, horrible people, criminals I have no idea where this even comes from, it is totally odd , etc. Yet other times when he is angry he will tell me how my family secretly thinks Im crazy or a horrible partner, etc too.
We cant even drive down the street without him being irritated about something…the way EVERYONE else drives, what people are doing, what they are wearing, how they look. He makes comments loudly in public places about other peoples clothing or look. He will randomly come home and open the dishwasher to put his coffee cup in from work and become irate the dishwasher isnt loaded how he wants. Or the paper towels are not where he wants them or whatever it is that day. Or the dishes in the cupboard are not put away like he wants.
He will start slamming cupboards or dishes after that. One time he made me get up and have a lesson on how I should load the dishwasher, literally screaming the whole time in my face. If I ever try to explain there might be more than one right way to do something or why I put something somewhere, he just responds that Im ignorant or stupid and that he is doing it the right way. Then later he flat out says Im lying or exaggerating. I think he also has some resentment about this and has been worse since I joined even though he said he would be supportive.
While I was in training he would constantly do things like accuse me of cheating with every person in my class. Or I would get out of class at 7 and call to talk to the kids. I would have a missed call from 5 when he got off work. He would then not answer and text me back that if I had wanted to talk to the kids I would have answered when he called and then tell me Im a liar and I got out of class at 5, when I didnt. Or I would call and he wouldnt answer at all and then he would text me really late and say the kids were already asleep.
On other days he would text me what a horrible mother I am for not talking to my kids enough. When we would fight he would text me he was going to take my dog to the pound and have her put down or that he was moving all of my belongings out and I would never see the kids again. I could go on and on here. I would wake up some mornings after a disagreement and have 50 text messages calling me names and telling me how horrible I am and how I dont love my kids, etc. One of the other things that has caused conflict is his hypocrisy.
He will constantly mumble rude things under his breath, but if I dare once in a while mumble anything, all heck breaks lose…he will start calling me names, cursing, screaming in my face, breaking things and then blame it all on me. Even if what I mumbled was not something about him, he insists I am a liar and that it was.